I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
now i know why i became what i already was.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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