just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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