the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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