Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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