I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My liver just broke up with me...
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
