oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
