Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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