I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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