Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It's never too late to be topless.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
how do you play pong handcuffed?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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