there's paper in my vomit.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
