Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
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Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
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These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.