Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
