i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
