it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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