You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
