you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Houston, we have a blender
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
