I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
