I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
