I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
