I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
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I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
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Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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