The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
