I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
