It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
