He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
