Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
pray to the hookup gods
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
