Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
