I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
