Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
