i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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