He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
