And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
