And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
