Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
