I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
