Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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