is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
