i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
