what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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