Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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