so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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