Swine flu. Run for my life!
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
