i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
