saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I faked an abortion last night.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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