Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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