woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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