I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
