Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
