I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
