All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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