im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
