Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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