Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
