chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
