I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
